Goodness. Gracious.

I want to be a good person, but I prove to myself daily that it can't be done. I'm mean, I'm thoughtless, I'm selfish, I'm judgmental, I'm overly emotional, and when I get upset I shout. I don't always do what's best for other people and I'm not even very nice to me. I am broken, tired, inarticulate, and weak. I am human, and I am not good enough. I never will be good enough. I'm smart enough to know what 'good' looks like, but dumb enough to keep trying to attain what isn't possible. Sure, I can do nice things for other people. I can love them with all my heart. I can try with all my might to do right by everyone, including myself. And that's what I should do, it's what I must do, and it's the best I can do. But to keep beating myself up about not measuring up is to look God in the eye and say "I don't want your grace. I don't want your mercy. I just want to work every day climbing this impossible hill." But it's kind of a lie, because I don't want to climb this hill anymore. It's so pointless and I already know I'll never make it to the top. Why can't I just figure out how to accept the grace and accept that I am broken simultaneously? How can I be just hard enough on myself to keep trying to be a better person, but not so hard that I can't allow anyone (including myself) to show me grace? I want to find forgiveness. I might find it from some people. I might show it to other people. But I seldom find it from myself. My own offenses against myself stack up, I hold grudges, and I start to feel like there's no way anyone else could ever really forgive me either.

I've totally lost sight of a concept I think I used to get. I got good grades, but never perfect, and I was good at things, but never the best. I was totally okay with this. I thought I was an interesting person with interesting hobbies. I lived by my morals, and I was happy with my progress against those ideals. If I 'screwed up,' I'd recognize it and vow to do better next time. So how did I start placing unrealistic expectations on myself to just not 'screw up' ever? And when did the line defining what constitutes a 'screw up' move so close to simply 'breathing'?

It is a well known fact that adults make mistakes, too, it's not just a kid thing. Did I honestly expect that when I became an adult that I would have arrived at some sort of mistake-free enlightenment? And why do I feel like 'having your shit together' is a requirement for guilt-free living? Nobody has it all together! Anyone who looks like they do is hiding something. You know this, Rachel, this is not news. It is not binary where 0='has shit together' and 1='doesn't care'.

New plan for living: On a daily basis, thank God for his grace. Continue to be gracious to others and thank others when they are gracious to you. Stop beating yourself up and then find a way to thank yourself for it. Tell yourself you can have a treat if you make it through the day without admonishing yourself, and when you fail, give yourself a treat anyway and say "Take that, Self! That's grace!" When you feel guilty for rewarding bad behavior, give yourself yet another treat. Repeat literally ad nauseum until treats run out, or you finally start to grasp the concept of real grace, whichever comes first. Do it all again the next day.