Operation Pantry Purge: Snack Attack

Matt and I are borderline dry good hoarders. Collectors of canned, boxed, and bottled foods. When we moved in, the obvious closet by the kitchen was deemed too small for a pantry, so we fixed up the larger closet in the dining room to suit our food storing needs. Truth be told, the dining room closet makes for a rather large pantry for two people, and our diverse collection of teas/cereals/soups grew accordingly.

The problem with hoarding is that it becomes unsafe. What used to be a walk-in pantry is now more of a lean-in-and-reach pantry. Cans regularly dive bomb toes from overpacked shelves. The peanut butter impaled itself on a beer bottle. The wound suffered by the leaping corn syrup was not immediately discovered, and, well, you can imagine the sticky mess that ensued.

Pantry before the Purge

Enter Operation Pantry Purge.

• Goal: Make pantry useable again.
• Definition of success: Floor space cleared by 90%, contents of shelves reduced by 50%, and tea tray can be extracted without contents toppling over. Pantry users can feel safe perusing cans.
• Strategy: Reduce stock by pitching inedible food and eating/donating ~33% of good food. Organize and store food better.
• Deadline: November 1.
• Exempted: Liquor, reusable Meijer bags, and brooms on wall.
• Not exempted: plastic bags and paper products.

Floor: Don't worry, the caps with stars are sparkling water.

We begin by getting rid of the inedible snack foods.

After pulling all the snack foods out, and deciding that granola bars are breakfast and not snacks, we each select a beer to wash down our samplings. The beer serves a double purpose, really, because opening space for two more beers in the fridge means two fewer beers in the pantry.

Surveying the lot of it, I can see that there are certainly some easy wins, such as cookies that I know are from last Christmas. We agree that we don't have to test-eat anything past its expiration without regret, but decide that unopened, expired items might be worth a nibble later on in the process. I pull the trash and recycle bin closer for easier disposal.

First up, Keebler Pecan Sandies. Status: mostly eaten. Date: Feb 2013. Number of bugs: 1. As Matthew goes to try a cookie, I tell him he definitely doesn't have to eat it if there are bugs. He shrugs, saying the bug was not in the same compartment as the cookies, and takes a bite. Verdict: stale, but not bad. “Do you want to try it?” he asks. I decline and he pitches the package.

Next, Walkers Short Bread Rounds. Date: Nov 2013. Status: 8 of 9 cookies remain. No bugs, at least. We each sample a cookie. Whoa, that's a strong butter flavor! Despite being open for who knows how long, we decide they are okay, but I feel like I should chase that with something salty and a swig of beer. Wow. Walkers makes a buttery cookie.

Matt turns to an unlabeled ziplock bag with 4 lady finger cookies in it. I recall these being leftover from a tiramisu we made months ago. Matt takes a bite and declares that it tastes like an old, dusty Christmas ornament. As I have never eaten a lady finger outside of a tiramisu, I'm not certain how Christmas ornament-y they usually taste, but I try a bite anyway. Edibility aside, we declare that we have no use for these and pitch the contents of the bag. Swig of beer.

Two mostly eaten packages of Pepperidge Farm cookies (Milanos and Genevas) were expired or nearly expired when we bought them from the Pepperidge Farm outlet store in the summer. These packages have been thoughtfully resealed after opening by our past selves with masking tape, which is better sealed than many other opened crackers and cookies currently in the pantry. I decline to try them, but Matt says the Milanos (exp. 9/13) are a little soft but still with good mint flavor. They are pitched. He decides to keep the 2 Genevas because of the chocolate, but tosses the bag and begins a little pile of cookies he intends to eat later. Again, I decline to taste.

Next comes a half-consumed package of Keebler Fudge Stripe Dark Chocolate cookies. We ate some of these last night and they were okay. They can stay.

Trader Joe's maple leaf cookies. So delicious in their prime. “Too good to eat” all of last fall, in fact, despite being “Best by April 2013”. Six cookies remain in a poorly folded plastic covering inside the box. Bug count: 1, but on outside of plastic. Eagerly anticipating their tasty maple cream filling, we dig in. Soft but yet somehow oddly crunchy. Smell good, but flavor is only a hint of its former self. After one bite each, we reluctantly pitch 'em.

TJ's dark chocolate stars, clearly from last Christmas. Best by March 2013. Opened plastic bag inside a box. Status: 2/3rds empty. Matt selects a star cookie for each of us, avoiding ones that have white spots on the chocolate. He reports that some stars have inseperably “hooked up”. After less than one bite each, they are quickly rejected due to cheap chocolate flavor and soggy shortbread cookie base. Swig of beer to wash it down.

Matt tears open a two-pack of Biscoff cookies I was pretty sure were going to be bad. He reports that it is crispy and delicious, so I make him give me the other cookie. He is right. Well, almost. They stick in your teeth in a way the fresh ones don't, but I am happy to eat a decent cookie so I keep it nearby for chasing the less-than-tasty cookies yet to come.

Mini-peanut butter cups from last christmas. Smells like aged peanut butter. Exp Date: Oct 2013. Hey, that's this month! And yet, ew, that isn't even peanut butter anymore. More like peanut dust in a crappy chocolate shell. Despite being mini, we each deposit at least half a cup into the trash. I take another bite of my chaser Biscoff cookie.

Recently purchased pretzel bites get a pass on tasting tonight. I didn't like the when I tried them, but Matt did, and so he is taking the box to work for snacking. A win for OPP in any case.

Granola Thins. Matt always enjoys these when I steal them from work, but when I purchase him a whole box of his own, he neglects to eat them. They expire in two weeks. I vow to hide them somewhere and then bring them out one at a time saying they're stolen from work to see what he does.

Keebler Grahams crackers. Status: mostly empty. Expiration date: April 2010. Ummmm, why is Matt sticking that in his mouth right now?? Facial expression and lack of words indicate that this was a bad idea. Best he can come up with is “Tastes like some sort of perfumed cleaning product. Or dryer sheet.” He takes a big swig of beer as he dumps the box.

Mostly eaten bag of Garden of Eatin' Sweet Potato corn chip. Best by Jan 2014. Yum. They have sugar on them, I think. Mmm.

Unopened bag of oyster crackers. Best by July 2013. We'll try these when we get to the soup on the other side of the pantry.

Snyder's honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces. Unopened. Best by Sept. 2013. Generally considered by Matt as “too good to eat”. As I find them rather gross, he's on his own for those, and usually finds himself on his own after he eats them because of his terrible breath. He sets them aside to continue not eating. As long as he has a bag in the pantry, I guess he won't buy another, so really, we're saving money the longer he holds onto each expired bag.

Half sleeve football Ritz crackers. We opened that sleeve on Sunday and have eaten on them twice this week already. Fortunately, they are the last of their kind as we know they are not from this football season...

One short stack of unopened saltine crackers, not yet expired. To remove the bulky box, we store them in the collector's edition Ritz tin and move on without opening to taste them.

Crunch black and white rice rolls from Trader Joe's. Status: 7 of 8 remain. I think I bought these before last Christmas. They are sort of sweet and like a rice cake, but it turns out I don't crave sweet rice cakes very frequently. Also, they were a weird shape and too large to bite. Matt says it looks like a stogie. Very chewy. Clearly not the right texture since the box says “crunch”. I return to my beer and Biscoff cookie to remove the after taste.

Bag of TJ's trek mix. Status: 80% uneaten. Best by May 2010. I encourage him to sniff before he eats. This convinces him to just pitch it, and I am relieved. The pineapple pieces look like petrified wood.

Part of the snack shelf pre-purge.

Onto the dried fruits.

Unopened bag of dried apricots are good. Mostly eaten bag of cranberries also get a pass. Mostly eaten bag of Craisins from 2012 must have slipped behind something else. Matt tries one and says “well, they're really dry now,” and pitches them.

Vacuum fried pineapple chips from Trader Joe's. Exp Nov 2012. Retain signature crunch and acidity which keep one from eating them very fast.

Bag of dried pineapple from my father. Matt thinks they taste smokey. He may be correct, but I've never had this kind of dried pineapple any other way, so the flavor tastes normal to me. *shrug*

We have uncovered a lot of plain popcorn. Will have to make some caramel corn or something to use that up.

Two bags of bacon popcorn. I popped and shared one bag at work and I have to admit, it was weird. Let's just eat bacon as real bacon, okay? If you want bacon with something else, just add slices of bacon to it, not bacon flavor. Eight bags of other misc microwave popcorn with misc. exp dates. Maybe I'll take some of these to work for afternoon snack. One is caramel corn. I wonder if that is any good?

Unopened chocolate cordial cups are left for another day. They might pair well with the mousse mix I spy on the other side of the pantry. Unopened packages of Triple Berry Newtons and Dark Chocolate Sandies as well as 5 unopened apple sauce cups (exp. 2014) also stay untested.

And that concludes night 1 of thinning the pantry! We tackled the most unruly section first to "secure early wins" (literally the only concept I learned in one of my grad school classes, so I like to repeat the advice frequently), so future OPP chronicles will likely be shorter. ;)