Care-full

I can't take care of everyone (I can't even take care of myself), but I feel compelled to try. I feel called to give of myself as much as I can, that others might feel loved, might feel the Love, might see and understand that it is not my love or my will or my strength that is caring for them, but it is God's love/will/strength reflected. I am not my own and would not want to be. I take care of me so that I can take care of others.

I wonder if this is how women of child-bearing age feel when they want to have children. When the biological timer goes off and they want a baby more than anything in the world, does it feel like they are compelled to love another, despite their own flaws and inability to even really care for themselves?

If so, I am closer than I have ever been to wanting a baby--the only problem is the size. Babies are sort of cute, but they aren't very interesting. Their thoughts are limited. It is the adults who deeply feel, who have experienced much, and who are trying to take care of themselves and others who I find more interesting. Babies cry for food, comfort, and protection, but adults cry for forgiveness, passion, and purpose. Can I just adopt an adult or two or three or four who need loving and support (and food and comfort and protection)?

If you said yes, don't worry, I already have. I'm a crazy cat lady of adopting people into my circle of care. It might not look like it--I only have legal custody of one--but I can't stop myself from getting all heart-panged and melty whenever one wanders near enough to really get a good look at. I confess, sometimes I try not to look, because my heart feels so full and I don't know what more I could possibly do. Because sometimes you have to let someone else adopt the next stray cat.

I'm worried that you will believe me less if I show you my hand. That you will say I am not very good at loving you or the people you see around me. I will be the first to say that I am not and that I have a long way to go. That I could love more people more deeply. That I could be less selfish and more giving. That there are a million, nay a few billion, more people I could love and care for. Strangers, babies, sick people, poor people, people I don't agree with or don't like. It is true! It will always be true. That is why I can't rely on my own strength to get me by.

I can't take credit for any success I've had in connecting with you, or affecting your life, or being there for you in your time of need. It is but selfishness, chance, and misunderstanding apart from God. But it is important to me that I recognize my calling, know why I am crying when I see your beautiful heart broken, and forgive myself and try again when I fail to love you as completely and perfectly as the love of the creator I am trying to emulate. It is only when I give up my life that I am truly alive.