Resolve

In 2012, I resolved to:

Read More
When I checked in on my resolutions in July, I suggested reading 7 more books (on top of the 9 I already read) and writing reviews on 3. Of all the books coming out in 2012 that I was excited about, I only read one (Artemis Fowl: The Last Guardian), and I accomplished my goal of reading 7 books by re-reading 6 books to prepare for it, since it was the end of a series. As a bonus, I threw in one more book in December, Mere Christianity—a book I thought I'd read before, but turns out I never made it past the first section. As for reviews, I didn't write any official ones, but I did take fairly extensive notes on them all, so I think that counts for something and proves critical reading was happening. I also began re-reading the Annotated Pride & Prejudice, and was reading so critically that I cheekily disagreed with some of the annotations.

Write More / Revise a Novel
November and NaNoWriMo are traditionally a time for writing new stuff. I tried to write new stuff, but I had to abort because I felt like the thing I wanted most was a revised story, and not another messy draft. So I used my writing energy to work hard on story revision. I made serious progress on my Pearls story; the plot has more cohesion, and the characters have more conflict. But I had to re-write the whole last section of the book, and that slowed me down. November and December were so busy, and though I fought, I didn't make it all the way through a re-write. But I resolve to keep going. I learned a lot about revision, most poignantly, I learned that it takes longer than I want it to.

Do Something With Wedding Photos
Matthew and I made some progress in H2 2012, going through and marking favorites. But we'll have to try again next year, rewording the resolution to "Be Done With Wedding Photos."

Take More Videos
I didn't take too many additional videos since July, but I did mess around with editing them together, even if I didn't show them to you.

Say 'No' More
At the end of the year, I experienced mounting stress from around September onward. Maybe it was advancing and receding all year, but I think it was in the fall that the tides failed to go out again, and the waves of stress battered the shores of Sanity incessantly.

As a good 50% or greater of my stress-load was self-imposed deadlines and goals, and most of them had an endpoint of December 31st or earlier, I hopefully waited out the stress storm. January was to bring increased free time, a fresh start, and an exercise plan to help me release built-up toxins.

The days leading up to Christmas vacation were harried ones. To avoid capsizing, I had to begin jettisoning stressors. That gift I was making for Jen but couldn't find a wooden hoop so couldn't finish it before I left? Throw it over. Jen will understand, and I can finish it in January when it washes ashore. The idea of making a Christmas card? Too bad all of my friends found time and I didn't. But how am I supposed do do that AND bake and distribute Christmas treats to my neighbors? Get over yourself, Rachel! Jettison it! I know I wanted to get through a draft of my novel in November, and when that didn't happen I said December. And I worked hard. But I never found the time I needed to finish it in 2012. Let it go. Pick it up in 2013.

This expunging helped. I focused more on the present, and enjoying Christmastime. I knew that dropping these things overboard was the only way to make the Good Ship Rachel sail-able in the storm. I could probably even get rid of more before anyone besides myself felt seriously let down or lastingly disappointed in me. That was because they were all self-imposed! Things I wanted for me, to prove I was organized, to prove I could get stuff done, to prove I could make a deadline and stick to it. To prove I was a committed person and that I'd learned how to prioritize what was important to me, and it was all of this. One Monday in December, Nick asked me how my weekend had been, and I was able to respond, "Good! I learned that sometimes I need to say 'No' to myself!" which was probably a strange response to that question, but for me it was so big that it warranted mentioning. It was revolutionary to me, and I'm glad I realized it as part of my year of saying 'No' more, even if it took me 11.5 months to get there.

The whole idea behind saying 'No' more was to free up time to spend how I wished on things I wanted to prioritize, and alleviate the guilt I felt when I de-prioritized other things. Saying 'No' to feeling guilty about not exercising was kind of saying 'No' to myself, but the loss there wasn't as great as having to say 'No' to some of my artistic notions, or even doing things for other people. It's easy to say 'No' to things you don't really want to do even if they are good for you. It's harder to say 'No' to people you want to be with and things you want to do, but more strongly desire to get certain other things done. And it's hardest to say 'No' to things you really want to do and are good for you to do but you simply can't do them all. I elaborated to Nick by saying I don't always have to 'Go Big or Go Home'. Sometimes I could 'Go Medium' and go more places, and that might be better.

As my general health seems to have improved since the stress tide went out again, I have decided that for 2013, I resolve to be less resolute! Maybe shift the focus away from completing goals, and towards continuing to work on them. Or at least shift the judgment away from successful completion, and give myself partial credit. I would have never passed a math class if I would have had to get every problem on the exam completely right. I can prove growth and learning without proving mastery. Though, when I read over my resolutions from 2012, it looks like I was trying not to be completion-oriented, with only 1 of the 6 actually having a definable endpoint. Which indicates the problem wasn't with the resolutions themselves, but with the taskmaster who volunteered to grade the progress? Oy, my head hurts from all this self-analyzing. Looks like this topic will have to remain "To Be Continued..."