Gourdo

Still feeling penance over the Great Gourd Fiasco of 2012, I carved baby pumpkins again this year, specifically putting one aside for my long-suffering friend. I even put his name on it so it would be clear I was giving it to him:

pimpin'

I made one for Matt to take to work, too, and he said he would laugh every time he saw him with his little bow tie:

hee!

These two will sit on my desk, grinning their stupid grins at me, until their teeth rot out of their heads:

heh heh

hiiiiiiiiiii!

While I Was Healing

Abdominal surgery: it's not something I recommend for everyone, but if modern medical science has a solution for what ails you and it involves cutting open your belly and poking around in your insides, it might be worth it. Even so, while I was out healing, I couldn't wait to get back to to the following:

• Wearing outfits that don't include sweat pants
• Taking care of myself
• Taking care of other people
• Going out to eat
• A hearty belly laugh
• A messy cry
• Some semblance of routine
• Coffee walks
• Being active and running
• Getting stuff done
• Seeing people I know on a daily basis
• Lifting things that need moving
• Leaving the house to go shopping or whatever
• Feeling energetic
• Careless hugging

I can't complain a bit about the care I received when I couldn't very well care for myself. My mother scrubbed my tile bathroom! My friends visited me and brought me food! People sent me cards and flowers and treats and activity books! My husband worked from home a lot so he could make sure I wasn't going crazy with antsiness and loneliness! I felt loved.

While I was out, I felt like I had this gift of time to do whatever low-key activities I wanted. I thought I was made for such things as sitting in one place all day reading and writing! But even sitting around and healing takes a lot of energy. And while I probably fared better than many, 4 weeks is an awfully long time to sit without the ability do the things on the list above to break up the long stretches of time spent in stillness and solitude.  Even so, I found a few things to do, including:

• Watched a mini-series called The Paradise
• Read The Ladies Paradise, by Émile Zola (because I wanted to see if it read better than the mini-series. It did, though it was very long and contained a lot of descriptions of store displays in the haberdashery department, etc.)
• Watched documentaries on topics such as:
• Lego
• Henry VIII's palace
• how cars are made (though I forget which ones)
• Selfridges
• back-up vocalists
• Watched a strange mini-series called A Young Doctor's Notebook that I'm not sure I'd recommend, though it did have John Hamm in it.
• Watched several comedy specials:
• Jim Gaffigan's Mr. Universe
• John Mulaney's New In Town
• Comedy Roundtable with Ben Stiller, Mike Myers, Seth Meyers, and Michael Ian Black
• Watched movies:
• Lego Movie
• Amazing Spiderman II
• The Other Woman
• Remembrance
• How to Marry a Millionaire
• Under the Tuscan Sun
• Moneyball
• Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day
• Stuck in Love
• Silver Linings Playbook
• Tiger Eyes 
• Girl Most Likely
• Started reading several books I fully intend to finish someday:
• Remembrance of Things Past: Swann's Way
• A Tale of Two Cities
• Gone Girl
• Finished reading several books I started once:
• On Writing Well
• The Death of Ivan Ilych and Other Stories
• Continued reading several books I am in the middle of:
• The Elusive Pimpernel
• Walden
• Worked on making my Halloween costume, which will be a peacock in flight!

Collection of Beloved People

Left Brain: Heart, I noticed you've added someone to our collection of beloved people. Might I remind you that you are already in love with about a million people already? And that you don't seem to fall out of love with anyone? How is that even possible?

Right Brain: Let's go as a peacock for Halloween!

LB: Plus, Heart, you've already got a person like that, are you sure you need another?

Heart: This one is unique. They are all so special.

LB: Well, if we are going to love them all, we're going to have to remember to remember them all. Can we at least make a list?

RB: No wait, not just a peacock, but a peacock in flight!

LB: If I at least keep track of who hurt you, you can make safer choices in future. But you should probably just pay more attention to the people you already love a lot, like your husband.

RB: I should start thinking about what presents to get people for Christmas. And pen club! I want to restart The Pen of the Month Club!

LB: Do these people even know you cherish them? I really don't think some of them deserve your time.

RB: I want to put together an eggplant and blush outfit. I really like that color combination. I should look for purple shoes!

Heart: <3 <3 <3 COLORS!!! <3 <3 <3

LB: Seriously, I am so stressed out. You're out of control, Heart! How did you even expand enough to let another one in? It seems mathematically impossible that you could love anyone else without loving someone less.

RB: I bet there's, like, some kind of concept, like where the more you love, the more love multiplies. Like, 1+1=3!

LB: Right Brain, you have no idea what you're talking about. You are totally making things up.

RB: Research it!

LB: I hate researching. It's so boring. Let's just catalog the facts we already know.

Heart: I love all my beloved people. I want to squeeze them all and tell them I love them. I want to fill them up with love so they feel warm inside even when I'm not there. I want them to feel known, cared about, and hoped for.

LB: What if they don't want you to squeeze them?

Heart: I will grow little hands and reach out to hold their heart's hands.

LB: That's weird. And gross.

RB: That's such a cute idea! Maybe I can write something about it!

LB: Finish the peacock costume first!

RB: I've got an idea for a blog post! What if we type up this conversation??

Heart: To tell them all we love them!

LB: This is impossible. [initiates SLEEP sequence]

What It Means to "Be Published"

It has recently come to my attention that if I "publish" my writing on my blog, I may be preventing myself from submitting that writing elsewhere to be "published" in a more formal fashion. I had no idea this would be the case but I guess I didn't really think about it. I'm not sure if it matters now or if it is too late, but I have removed the fiction pieces from the blog that I thought had any potential. This makes me sad, because I feel like I have to squirrel away my writing in case a "real publisher" has any interest in it, when all I really want to do is share my writing with other people, and the best way I have to do that all by myself is through my blog.

I'm not sure how long I should wait or how many times I should submit a piece before I give up on it winning a contest or making it into a journal. I don't really want my blog to be only my "leftover" writing that I've given up on. That is so depressing! And it doesn't seem likely that it would really help my blog readership much, either. So I'm not sure what to do with my writing or my blog in the future. I will have to think about it and research it more.

Drive

This road may lead to a brilliant future and I have no choice but to take it, however, I am reluctant to drive on ahead with a pleasant past still visible in my rearview mirror.

Though it grows dark, I detour down Memory Lane. I round the bend that brought our paths together. I cruise the straightaways of our companionable twosome. I grin even as I jostle through the potholes and curves, recollecting how they brought us closer together.

Yet now I must turn back onto the main path. At the end of Closed Door Road, I will hang a right onto Open Window Avenue and continue until it becomes New Era Boulevard. But in my mirrors, for as long as I can, I will watch the sun set on our golden age, and remember what drove it to greatness.

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I've been working on this piece for several weeks and even solicited feedback for it from various writing groups. It has gone through many revisions. I'm not sure if it's done, or what done looks like, but it is time to post it.

It isn't about one thing in particular, and yet, today, it is, about something I love that is changing. But I'm not going to elucidate what, because I want you to allow you to read it broadly enough to be about changes in life in general, and not just one particular thing.

If you have an excellent memory, you may notice that, yes, it uses some words and phrases from something I posted a year ago. But there is nothing like a little change to necessitate additional ruminations.

Galaxial Fables

Fern fronds frolic across the carpeted terrain of a deep-space merchandiser, the writhing corpuscles announce their unbiased censorship, and the earth sheds her misgivings like a sub-Saharan stargazer. My darling, your nonsense vaporizes my retina in a cranial conflagration reminiscent of a red giant: the hitherto hidden hope for nebulaic stardom.

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I'm welcome to receiving feedback on this piece! Feel free to let me know your reactions/comments/feedback in the comments or in person/email!

10k

Last Friday I read an article outlining the upcoming Dexter-Ann Arbor Run. I found out I could still sign up for the 5k, 10k, and half marathon races even though they were only 2 days away. After reviewing the route maps, I saw that the 10k started and finished right next to my work place, where I could park ridiculously conveniently and for free. The weather looked decent, I felt in good health, and I could think of no further excuses for why I shouldn't attempt my first 10k race.

As I've only ever once run that far without stopping, I didn't want to make a big deal about it and freak myself out. I've been running at least 3 miles/week for several months, but my legs sometimes feel like rigid planks the entire time, and I never know if running is going to feel good on a given day or not. Matthew thoughtfully looked up race day advice on the internet and made sure I packed protein bars to eat before and after as well as dry clothes to change into. I almost succeeded in not getting myself too nervous except for the dreams I had the night before about being late to the race and having to cover the ground with words as I ran (a conflation with NaNoWriMo, no doubt).

When the time came to finally awake on Sunday morning, I felt so excited to get out there and start running. I wanted to challenge myself, and I came ready to battle with God the whole way, struggling with the mental and physical pursuit. I arrived right on time to find over 1,000 runners lined up to run the 10k with me!

At the start, most people stood in groups chatting with friends. I felt a pinch sad that I had come alone, but extremely glad to not be lining up with my friend Yuri at the half-marathon start, her daily training having better prepared her for such a feat (Perhaps another time I can talk her down to the 10k...). Eventually, we runners in the back noticed that someone was singing the National Anthem and quieted down just in time for "the land of the free..." Not long after, the group began walking forward, and I couldn't tell if the race had begun or we were crowding to the start line. Perhaps both. I crossed the starting line about a minute and a half after the race had officially commenced.

Runners took up both lanes of the road as we headed north on Main Street. I started out slower than my usual running pace, partly out of fear of the miles to come, and partly because of the difficulty of running amongst so many people. By mile 1, where a volunteer band sat playing the Rocky theme on repeat, we started to spread out and the running got easier without as much jockeying for position. Just after mile 2 is where the guy in the lead passed me on his way back to the finish line, almost at his 4th mile. Some people in front of me clapped and cheered for him while the rest of us pressed on further north.

It wasn't until I made it to mile 4 that I gained complete confidence that I could make it the whole way, at which point I picked up my pace to at least the 10 minute/mile pace at which I train on the treadmill. I knew it would be uphill at the end (one of the features for which the Dexter-Ann Arbor run is known), but the finish would be nearly in sight, and I would manage. I realized I hadn't had to coax the steps out of myself the whole way like I sometimes do when I'm running at the gym, and it felt amazing. With so much to look at and so many people to watch, I was happy with my decision not to listen to music or carry a phone to check the time. Some people chatted while running, and I enjoyed hearing snippets of their conversations. But it felt so free to just be me, my legs moving like running was my modus operandi, nothing to carry, following the herd towards triumph and the rest of a beautiful summer day.

As I ran toward the finish, I took a moment to thank God for all the parts of me that work. My flexible ankles keep me from falling when I take a misstep, my leg muscles contract and release to pound the pavement repeatedly for over an hour, my healthy heart pumps blood to and from my extremities, and my lungs take in the fresh air to supply the blood with oxygen as the whole machine that is me motors on down the road.

I finished with an energizing sense of accomplishment in just over an hour with a 10:04min/mi pace, placing 559th out of 1,147 runners. The rest of the day as I wore my finisher's medal around the house, I felt something akin to invincibility, and when I met up with Nick, Yuri, Matt, and Andrea at the Taste of Ann Arbor for lunch, I felt like I could eat anything because I'd run 6 miles and gotten over 10,000 steps all before 9am. I'd do it all again, and I fully intend to. As I continue to run for fun and exercise, as well as strive to keep myself in good working order, I hope I can remember the unexpected joy I found in completing that 10k. I won't get a medal for my efforts every day, but I do daily get a chance to choose perseverance over resignation and adventure over fear.