On the Benefits of Nocturnal Musing for Insomniac Persons

What I write in my head
While I'm lying in bed
Remains often unread
But at least not unsaid.





(Credit to Matt for an assist in writing this poem.)

B3-A5-C1-C1-C4, B1-D2-B4-A5-C3-A4!

12/12/14

Dear Chris,

Good morning! At least, it is morning now when I am writing this. Well, morning if you count that as anything between midnight and noon, the technical definition. It is not sunrise or later yet, so in informal speak, it's the middle of the night. We don't really have appropriate words for these non-technical concepts, do we? We'll just call it "asleep time" for now, and highlight the fact that I am clearly in the opposite state.

The other living creatures in my house are resting so peacefully, that I have decided to quit the room they are in and retreat to the kitchen, where at least there is hot chocolate and cookies. I turned on the Christmas tree lights for a pleasant glow, but I confess, they are not yet warming me with the Christmas spirit. I have seen glimpses of this elusive apparition this year, but it has not yet solidified into a welcome companion. Which seems about right. It is only December 12, and the activities that signal the arrival of Christmas time have only just begun. I'm pretty sure getting laid off is not one of the traditional harbingers of the season of Christ's birth, but overcoming another year of earthly toils is, so we will let it fuel that fire and press on.

Speaking of which, I want to write a great many things about this year's toils, waxing profound and throwing about the weight of my newly acquired wisdom. But I'm finding it hard to put in the concentrated effort to extract the wisdom from the experiences into clever sentences poignantly summarizing and cathartically releasing the pent up emotions. Even as I write that, it occurs to me I am most decidedly doing it wrong, and yet not, because I got those 2 sentences out! But more likely than not, my focus should probably not be to jump straight to the pithy analysis stage, but rather to embrace wrestling with the emotions and experiences in all my written pieces for years to come. It would be silly and pointless to expect anything less. I have been given the gift of adversity which I have thus far survived—why try and hustle that aside so I can return to my previous state devoid of inspiration?

One hour, 1 mug of cocoa, and 1 sheet of paper later, I feel pleased with my emotional progress. Had I continued to lay in bed while awake and asleep did battle, I am certain I would have trudged through the coming day with bitterness over lost sleep polluting my mood and demeanor. But maybe I have a tiny bit of hope now that to keep on keeping on is my best chance at finding the peace and rest I seek.

Thanks for keeping vigil with me. It really helps to have someone to talk to.

<3, Rachel

p.s.
The original ink-on-paper version of this note will be waiting for you on your desk on Monday. Hope you don't mind I shared it with a few friends online in the meantime.

Fairy Party

You can always tell when the fairies have their raucous autumn party because the morning ground is littered with dainty yellow ginkgo fans that cooled and fluttered at the nighttime rave.

Gourdo

Still feeling penance over the Great Gourd Fiasco of 2012, I carved baby pumpkins again this year, specifically putting one aside for my long-suffering friend. I even put his name on it so it would be clear I was giving it to him:

pimpin'

I made one for Matt to take to work, too, and he said he would laugh every time he saw him with his little bow tie:

hee!

These two will sit on my desk, grinning their stupid grins at me, until their teeth rot out of their heads:

heh heh

hiiiiiiiiiii!

While I Was Healing

Abdominal surgery: it's not something I recommend for everyone, but if modern medical science has a solution for what ails you and it involves cutting open your belly and poking around in your insides, it might be worth it. Even so, while I was out healing, I couldn't wait to get back to to the following:

• Wearing outfits that don't include sweat pants
• Taking care of myself
• Taking care of other people
• Going out to eat
• A hearty belly laugh
• A messy cry
• Some semblance of routine
• Coffee walks
• Being active and running
• Getting stuff done
• Seeing people I know on a daily basis
• Lifting things that need moving
• Leaving the house to go shopping or whatever
• Feeling energetic
• Careless hugging

I can't complain a bit about the care I received when I couldn't very well care for myself. My mother scrubbed my tile bathroom! My friends visited me and brought me food! People sent me cards and flowers and treats and activity books! My husband worked from home a lot so he could make sure I wasn't going crazy with antsiness and loneliness! I felt loved.

While I was out, I felt like I had this gift of time to do whatever low-key activities I wanted. I thought I was made for such things as sitting in one place all day reading and writing! But even sitting around and healing takes a lot of energy. And while I probably fared better than many, 4 weeks is an awfully long time to sit without the ability do the things on the list above to break up the long stretches of time spent in stillness and solitude.  Even so, I found a few things to do, including:

• Watched a mini-series called The Paradise
• Read The Ladies Paradise, by Émile Zola (because I wanted to see if it read better than the mini-series. It did, though it was very long and contained a lot of descriptions of store displays in the haberdashery department, etc.)
• Watched documentaries on topics such as:
• Lego
• Henry VIII's palace
• how cars are made (though I forget which ones)
• Selfridges
• back-up vocalists
• Watched a strange mini-series called A Young Doctor's Notebook that I'm not sure I'd recommend, though it did have John Hamm in it.
• Watched several comedy specials:
• Jim Gaffigan's Mr. Universe
• John Mulaney's New In Town
• Comedy Roundtable with Ben Stiller, Mike Myers, Seth Meyers, and Michael Ian Black
• Watched movies:
• Lego Movie
• Amazing Spiderman II
• The Other Woman
• Remembrance
• How to Marry a Millionaire
• Under the Tuscan Sun
• Moneyball
• Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day
• Stuck in Love
• Silver Linings Playbook
• Tiger Eyes 
• Girl Most Likely
• Started reading several books I fully intend to finish someday:
• Remembrance of Things Past: Swann's Way
• A Tale of Two Cities
• Gone Girl
• Finished reading several books I started once:
• On Writing Well
• The Death of Ivan Ilych and Other Stories
• Continued reading several books I am in the middle of:
• The Elusive Pimpernel
• Walden
• Worked on making my Halloween costume, which will be a peacock in flight!

Collection of Beloved People

Left Brain: Heart, I noticed you've added someone to our collection of beloved people. Might I remind you that you are already in love with about a million people already? And that you don't seem to fall out of love with anyone? How is that even possible?

Right Brain: Let's go as a peacock for Halloween!

LB: Plus, Heart, you've already got a person like that, are you sure you need another?

Heart: This one is unique. They are all so special.

LB: Well, if we are going to love them all, we're going to have to remember to remember them all. Can we at least make a list?

RB: No wait, not just a peacock, but a peacock in flight!

LB: If I at least keep track of who hurt you, you can make safer choices in future. But you should probably just pay more attention to the people you already love a lot, like your husband.

RB: I should start thinking about what presents to get people for Christmas. And pen club! I want to restart The Pen of the Month Club!

LB: Do these people even know you cherish them? I really don't think some of them deserve your time.

RB: I want to put together an eggplant and blush outfit. I really like that color combination. I should look for purple shoes!

Heart: <3 <3 <3 COLORS!!! <3 <3 <3

LB: Seriously, I am so stressed out. You're out of control, Heart! How did you even expand enough to let another one in? It seems mathematically impossible that you could love anyone else without loving someone less.

RB: I bet there's, like, some kind of concept, like where the more you love, the more love multiplies. Like, 1+1=3!

LB: Right Brain, you have no idea what you're talking about. You are totally making things up.

RB: Research it!

LB: I hate researching. It's so boring. Let's just catalog the facts we already know.

Heart: I love all my beloved people. I want to squeeze them all and tell them I love them. I want to fill them up with love so they feel warm inside even when I'm not there. I want them to feel known, cared about, and hoped for.

LB: What if they don't want you to squeeze them?

Heart: I will grow little hands and reach out to hold their heart's hands.

LB: That's weird. And gross.

RB: That's such a cute idea! Maybe I can write something about it!

LB: Finish the peacock costume first!

RB: I've got an idea for a blog post! What if we type up this conversation??

Heart: To tell them all we love them!

LB: This is impossible. [initiates SLEEP sequence]

What It Means to "Be Published"

It has recently come to my attention that if I "publish" my writing on my blog, I may be preventing myself from submitting that writing elsewhere to be "published" in a more formal fashion. I had no idea this would be the case but I guess I didn't really think about it. I'm not sure if it matters now or if it is too late, but I have removed the fiction pieces from the blog that I thought had any potential. This makes me sad, because I feel like I have to squirrel away my writing in case a "real publisher" has any interest in it, when all I really want to do is share my writing with other people, and the best way I have to do that all by myself is through my blog.

I'm not sure how long I should wait or how many times I should submit a piece before I give up on it winning a contest or making it into a journal. I don't really want my blog to be only my "leftover" writing that I've given up on. That is so depressing! And it doesn't seem likely that it would really help my blog readership much, either. So I'm not sure what to do with my writing or my blog in the future. I will have to think about it and research it more.